Deep down inside each and every person is a hidden mirror. If we had a choice, we’d probably choose not to look into it – scared at what we might see. At times, this mirror is a mythical creature we might only see in movies, or a bear that chases us in our dreams. It exposes the depths of our existence amidst true inward reflection. And it’s least scary, perhaps easiest, if we just leave it in the dark.
However, like an exploring young child trying to face their fear of going into a dark basement, at some point we inevitably flick on the light switch. We’re curious. But the light only takes us to the bottom of the stairs. What lies beyond the last step remains dark, and your comfort is lost beyond that point. Even still, our curiosity takes us down the stairs into that basement as we embark on the path of self-discovery. Almost out of nowhere, we feel the urge to confront that darkness. “This time my courage will prevail!”
We cautiously walk down the illuminated path, step by step as we hold onto the railing, still unsure of what’s ahead. Our palms start to sweat and the hair raises on the back of our neck with each precise movement. A third of the way there. “I am doing this.” Halfway down… then, two steps left… and all of the sudden our mind, which only moments ago was so eager and so inquisitive, becomes tainted with the overwhelming uncertainties that exist beyond the border of light and darkness. Our courageousness is ripped from underneath our feet as we race back up the stairs, back to a more controlled, familiar environment. “Maybe next time.” And self-discovery is put on hold once again. The mirror remains hidden.
Why does this happen? What is the hold up; why don’t we take the last two steps?
Not only are we fearful of finding that mirror in the darkness – we are petrified to raise our eyes just enough to catch a glimpse of what is in that mirror. We know at least part of that reflection will appear unimaginably broken. And the mental image of that truth staring back at us, the one that we’ve created in our minds and hearts, hinders us from discovering what we are truly made of. Our boldness in the initial commitment to face that reality is halted because the physical act of getting to the bottom of the stairs isn’t the end – and we know that. So, we remain paralyzed in the bondage.
When we do approach the mirror, it appears dark at first. Foggy even. “Who is this,” we ask, filled with uncertainty and anticipation. As we get closer, the blurred lines sharpen into focus. We fixate – even if only for a second – on the person looking back at us. Each glimpse reveals different aspects of our lives that are the backbone of our existence. The harder you look – the more gets revealed. Everything that we’ve experienced, and the thoughts and emotions surrounding those experiences, have shaped us. They build us into who we are, sometimes without us knowing. And when we don’t look deeply into those truths or we intentionally suppress them, we forget they exist. Thus, they become part of our hidden mirror. And we tend to treat these pieces of our life – or the entire mirror altogether – as fiction. “It’s not truly real.”
But it is real. And guess what? It’s time to slay the dragon.
Ten months ago my life started to change in many ways. I questioned my worth as my once healthy body was failing me worse than I’ve ever experienced before. I was emotionally strained and stretched so thin that I snapped. Worst of all – the person that I thought I was, was lost. And I did not want to look in the mirror to find myself again. Instead, I sprinted up the basement stairs and slammed the door. Because I didn’t want to approach myself in honesty, my suffering got worse. Strangely enough, the fear became my friend – and I felt comfortable there. But my passion for life was strangled in the chaos of it all. I was alone. If my emotional self at the time were to be painted by an artist, the only thing I could have pictured was the image of a man in the middle of an open field screaming and crying in frustration and despair.
Unfortunately, I can’t talk through the transition of what got me out of that space. But I do know that after countless conversations and tears with people I love and respect, I began to dig deeper each day to stare harder into my hidden mirror. I don’t know exactly what it was that made me want to finally jump down those last two steps. But I did. I decided I was going to do it – and it was a very active, conscious thought. And I did. About two months ago I crossed over the boundary of light into the darkness to face my self-discovery. Nothing was fixed immediately, but with each passing day I began to see a new side of me. Since then, my faith has been strengthened, my body renewed, and my perspective is taking shape once again.
“The face is the mirror of the mind, and eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the heart.”
St. Jerome
A purposeFULL thought: It is the fear of finding out what will be revealed in the darkness, in the unknowns of our self-discovery, that suffocates our true self from emerging.
purposeFULL 